Interview with Erica Komisar
Why is anxiety so prevalent today in adolescents?
Our kids live in a more stressful environment than previous generations. They have more pressure on them to achieve, they live in a world of uncertainty and conflict. They hear about racial divides and global warming. Social media has heightened self-consciousness, promoted self-centeredness, fostered social isolation through lack of real contact with peers and encouraged bullying. Kids have less faith in the adults around them to protect them. In addition, we are spending less time with our children and are busier with our own professional and personal lives outside the family which is contrary to what they need which is our emotional and physical presence as much as possible. Children need parents to help them regulate intense emotions and resolve conflicts well into young adulthood. The more we are present when they need us emotionally, the more secure, independent and resilient to stress they will become.
How is Covid-19 impacting children?
Covid-19 has introduced a great deal of stress to families. Concerns over the health of parents and grandparents, worries over mortality can be overwhelming. The disruption in and change in their routines has also been challenging for kids who love consistency and routine. However, the most challenging part of Covid for kids has been the lack of social interaction with their peers, particularly with only children. The good news is that social interaction does not mean exclusively with peers; it can also be with parents, siblings and extended family. In many cases, the good news of Covid is that kids are getting to spend more time with their parents than ever before and parents are more present physically. The hardship of missing their friends can be mitigated by creating social Covid circles with families you trust so your children, even though they may not be in school together, can still play together. The most important part of school with children under the age of 5 is the social interaction, so making that happen whether or not they can attend school in person is helpful. With older children, encourage them to see trusted friends in a safe way. And lastly, as parents you can help your child by alleviating the stress on them to highly achieve in school. Parents, with the best of intentions, worry about their child falling behind in school and that anxiety rubs off on children. The more relaxed you are about how much they “learn” this year cognitively and focus on experiential learning and shared experiences, the more emotionally secure and mentally healthy your child will be.
Is social media and the smartphone the cause of this mental health crisis in teens?
Social media and technology is not the cause of anxiety and depression, but it can exacerbate vulnerabilities to mental disorders. Social media is not all bad, neither is technology in general, it is the intensity and degree of it that is the problem. It has become an escape for kids who are frequently overwhelmed by the pressures they are under so they dissociate by playing video games, watching YouTube or frequenting Instagram and Snapchat. You cannot take technology and social media away from them entirely; it is here to stay, but you can replace the need for it with other forms of connection and community. In a self-focused, individualistic world it has become the retreat for teens as well as adults. Spending more time with your kids, as well as facilitating more time they can spend with each other in person can help.
Can parents still have an influence on their kids and change their trajectory emotionally or is it too late?
Kids who are school age need their parents a great deal more than they get them in modern times. Kids need to touch base with parents for comfort and problem solving. Parents serve as touchstones for children to become more emotionally secure and take more healthy risks socially and academically. Parents presence emotionally and physically can provide a backdrop for kids to feel more competent in school and with their friends, to solidify their identity as they enter into adolescence.
How can I promote resilience to stress in my kids?
Kids are not born with resilience to stress. They learn it from their parents. If the environment is sensitive and empathetic during childhood and adolescence, kids learn to cope with adversity. Resilience to stress is directly related to how parents handle kids’ distress and emotions of all kinds. If they reflect or mirror feelings, rather than judging, becoming defensive or ignoring them it helps teens to learn to handle strong emotions. Parents own ability to regulate strong emotions and to express them openly and appropriately also helps kids to learn to become resilient to stress.
Can I parent with quality time? Is that enough?
The question is not whether you can parent with quality time, but whether that is enough? Parenting kids to become emotionally secure and mentally healthy requires both physical and emotional presence as much as possible. It requires being there when the door to their room swings open and they are in distress and need you. This unfortunately cannot be done on your time, but rather on their time. The more you are there, the more likely you will be there when the door opens to address and regulate, even soothe their feelings of distress and help them process their conflicts. When the door opens and no one is there, the door will quickly close and you have to wait for the next opportunity. The problem is if you are not present enough of the time, they will develop defenses to try to cope with emotional conflicts defensively alone. So quality time and quantity time are critical to raise a healthy teen.
